likely due to the influx of hormones related to the ever lovely monthly cycle. My mind was recalling times I felt God placed things on my heart to hope for, and believe for – that never came to fruition. As a result, there was some serious spiritual warfare taking place as to the faithfulness of God and the integrity of His Word. It didn’t stop there.
Growing pains continued to be felt within my career and uncertainty as to my future with the new changes, loomed over my head. Not to mention the fact that we are on an ever-increasing speed with the current project I am on, and expectations of time investment continues to increase. As a mother, I knew I had obligations to make a basketball game and have a heart-to-heart with my youngest about a recent “big girl” situation at school. As a wife, I knew Monday was going to be a challenge for my hubby, and we have a difficult time getting back into a good groove once the weekend comes to an end. As a person, I had a couple errands I needed to run before my evening with the family began, which included checking my body fat percentage.
I was doing OK until this moment. To my surprise, I learned I have actually INCREASED in body fat, according to this particular tool. Whaaaaat?! Yep. While I have LOST four pounds, three of those pounds have been from muscle. My lean mass is now 109lbs, compared to the 112lbs I had when I began the Whole30 challenge back in December (eight weeks ago). I checked and re-checked – a total of three times; the same output every time. You have got to be kidding me.
Naturally I went into troubleshooting mode. Rather than simply accepting it, I wanted to understand WHY it was what it was. I have been working my butt off (or maybe not), for eight weeks now! Why on earth? Am I doing too much cardio? Am I not eating enough calories? Why do my clothes feel bigger? Could the tool be wrong? How can this beeeeeeeeee?! Melodramatic tones intended. My curiosity turned to frustration, anger even.
Why, why, why, think, assess, think, assess (did you know spell check will not correct “asses” if you type it, intending for it to be a different word altogether? Beware.) – I was exhausted by 7:30. The game was good, my daughter played well, and she was forgiving of my late arrival. The conversation with my youngest went well, my mental breakdown unnoticed. My husband noticed I was “off” at dinner, but let me be. To bed I went... I was grateful he joined me to snuggle, and just hold me; I fell asleep.
When I woke up this morning, I tried to approach it with a positive mindset and reminded myself, today is a new day! (Insert big cheesy grin, heck throw in a big thumbs up). As I began my devotions, the dog began wrestling around, "please stay asleep" I thought. “Trust in, lean on...ruff ruff”. Ok, let him out. Now he’s wide awake, wants to eat. Great, he’s fighting with the other dog. Knock it off you two, or you will wake up the girls, and they won’t be happy, because it is 5:30 in the morning! “...have confidence in HIM at all...don’t eat the couch!” Sigh...
As I’m getting ready for work, looking myself square in the mirror, I’m trying to employ all the helpful tips I have acquired from people I respect. First, I started with Scripture and speaking what God says about me, thank you Kim Dolan Leto for the reminder to do this in those crazy moments (see step two of her Faith Inspired Tranformation book). Then I tried to just feel the discomfort and then release it, like my mentor Michelle would suggest I do. Then I tried to just imagine releasing the pain, like I would in yoga. Then I began singing “Let It Goooooooooo”, and realized my efforts were quite futile. I was trying way too hard. I was spinning out of control. No need to call the psyche ward for me, it got better...
My family gave me hugs, kisses, compliments and genuinely expressed concern for me. They thought I was sick, especially since I chose to go to bed so early, without working out. I sat in the car for a moment, took a deep breath before starting the car, "God help me work through this...", I wispered. Car wouldn’t start, key fab was in the house. Run in to grab it, OK let’s try this again – it started!
I began to listen to uplifting music, and even the words seemed annoying. I was straight up irritated! Switched it over to lyric free, calming angelic sounds and practiced some deep breathing. I soon began expressing my feelings to the Lord (I have a half hour drive to work, this can be a good thing sometimes). After all, His Word told me just this morning to pour out my heart before Him, He is my refuge. Peace began to come over me. Clarity began to settle into my mind. I began to feel at ease, and not so crazy.
I began seeing how too much of my confidence (fortunately not all) was being placed in what an instrument said, or my ability to transform in a certain time, or perfectly executing GOOD activities on a daily basis to achieve a desired outcome. I began seeing a recurring pattern in my life. One where I will set out to do “everything right”, things don’t pan out THE WAY I think they should, WHEN I think they should, and I become crippled with stress, frustration and disappointment – and I throw in the towel. This inevitably leads to feeling worse later, because I predictably find myself deprived in spirit, soul and body.
I also began to see how the visions God places on my heart, are for Him to bring to reality. Not me. The past couple days have been a heavenly reminder to truly trust in God with ALL things. He knows this part of me exists, and He desperately wants to change it. He wants to see me transform into all He has planned for me, and this gets in the way. “This” being the part of me that would like to have some control, and therefore control the timing and outcome to situations. Sure He loves my tenacity. Yes He loves my desire to have goals. Of course He loves my go get ‘em approach. He created and gifted me with all these attributes. He just wants me to rely on Him to empower those parts of me, rather than my limited self. This isn’t new information for me. This is something I have sensed before. I have actually likened myself to being similar to Moses and Peter. So full of zeal, yet not fully being aware of all God sees within me.
Ultimately, I was reminded that for the past eight weeks I have been becoming much healthier, stronger, and dare I say wiser. The food I have been eating has been nourishing and fueling my body. The workouts I have been executing have been causing me to feel and be well physically. The devotions have been empowering me to look to God, and draw from His Word when I hit a wall, like today. So I will continue to eat well, workout, and enjoy my time with God, and laugh at how comical this whole thing looks now that I am not taking everything so seriously.
Wow, am I grateful for today. I pray God has touched this place within me once and for all, and I truly allow Him to transform this part of me from this moment on.
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