Living Content

Scheduled rest day today, which means I have a moment to update the blog…

Last week was pretty eventful. I checked in with my coach on Wednesday and had a good amount of weight loss coming from fat, as I had gained muscle. She made some tweaks in hopes of having another “good” week, and they just did not sit well with my body and I had a difficult time keeping my nutrition 100% clean. I felt sluggish and just “off”. Friday rolled around and I ended up having a minor panic attack, while headed to have my stitches removed from my excision sites. It really just came up out of nowhere, as I was not concerned with anything and I felt really good having just had lunch with my girlfriend.

Fortunately, I was able to talk with my husband and he sort of “talked me down” if you will while I was driving, and the symptoms subsided. When having the stitches removed, I asked my doc about it. I explained to her that I have really been feeling great, taking everything with stride, and didn’t understand. To which she said was classic panic disorder. I strongly dislike the word disorder, and asked why the label. Of course she said it is because it isn’t normal, but that it is manageable and they have meds for it. She knows I loathe medication, so she wasn’t surprised when I said “no thank you”. She agreed that my need for answers and questioning everything probably didn’t help matters, and I told her that I guess I just need to look at it like getting the hiccups – or gas – it is something that happens from time to time, you ride it out, and then move on with life as normal. She said “pretty much”, and laughed.

With the new perspective I carried on with my day, went for a nice walk with my hubby and dogs, and continued on with my nutrition and workout regimen for the week. I still felt crummy and just down right “not with it”. This was reflected in this week’s check in, by basically having a plateau week. So, back to the first week’s plan, because apparently daily carb cycling does not agree with my chemistry. Three days back into a daily low-carb plan, and I am already feeling much better. Yay!

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I have been wrestling with some thoughts since last week’s episode, and REALLY been genuinely trying to give it to God. Just a few days before the episode, I had shared my testimony in a couple groups of how I had overcome the episodes and was doing better than ever. I felt like such a liar – or the thought was trying to be planted in my mind, anyway. Of course, those thoughts don’t help the situation, and feed any unconscious angst that apparently exists. Then I thought about my life. Am I living it well? Am I where I am supposed to be? These questions relentlessly press my mind – always. The answer is returned as “yes, but stop worrying about what others think.”

Hmmmm….insightful, please explain. This life, this journey, is mine – no one else’s. God gave it to me to live out and for His good purposes. He knew when He created me, the challenges I would face that were out of my control (trust me, there have been many since the time I was a baby). He knew the character “flaws” those circumstances would scar within me, and promised to never leave my side as He worked them out for His glory. The road He has me on, is right where I belong. Loving Him, loving my husband, raising my children, and to the best of my ability, loving others as He calls me to. Sure I am enthusiastic about holistic wellness (I believe He created that passion in me as well), and becoming whole in spirit, soul and body, but the enthusiasm never trumps my first, second and third loves – God, my husband and my kiddos. Do others need to agree with or even understand this? No, not really. I answer for my life when it comes to an end here on earth, no one else will. I always become more keenly aware of this when I have an episode where it feels like death is imminent.

Do I need to be concerned with others’ opinions on my pursuit for holistic wellness and the path I believe I need to be on at this point in my life? Nope, not really. With my compass, my endeavors are always weighed and balanced with keeping God

first, meeting  the needs of my husband, and being there for my children, as well as giving my best in my career – and that is going to look different in my life, when compared to any other individual. And it isn’t going to be done “perfect” (according to mine or others’ standards). And it’s OK. Every day I have the opportunity to embrace my life, right where I am and allow God to lead me through it. Every day I have the opportunity to be content with who I am, what I have and where I live – RIGHT NOW. Every day I am allowed to be set apart more for His glory.

OK so that got deep…whew! We are just three weeks out form the Spartan – aroo! I am really looking forward to knocking this goal out with my husband! Who I also get to get away this weekend with – much needed! I’m ten weeks from the show I would like to attend, but not 100% it is going to happen; more to come on that one. My kiddos are doing well and thriving, and we encourage one another more now, than it seems like we ever have. Perhaps that is because they are older and are learning through their own challenges.

I hope you are well, have a great weekend!