Deciding NOT to Surrender

So, where do I begin? This past week has been like an explosion that has rocked my world off its axis. With major challenges on the home front demanding my time, followed by an increase of some “old” symptoms, and finally to receive what could be life altering news from my doc yesterday – I am a bit beside myself. This is also the reason that I have been “out” and not on plan the past week or more. Everything has come to a halt.

I have been tempted to feel sorry for myself and just allow myself to be consumed by all the unknowns. I have thought about throwing in the towel on my goals of becoming optimally healthy in spirit, soul and body. To end this sophomoric journey and return to life as I have known it. A life where I am not constantly putting my thoughts and self out there. A life where I am not constantly challenging myself. A life where I just AM – but where I feel I am letting go of something very important to me.

Just eight weeks ago I was stoked! I had just hiked a great distance and persevered to the top of a mountain and back down again. I felt limitless. Like there was nothing I couldn’t do. I came home with that same mentality. That same “edge”. A passion inside me was ignited and a flame stoked that seemed like it was NEVER going to burn out. I was ready for life and ALL its challenges.

Starting this blog was the fruit of that experience. I sensed it was time to go public, allow others to hold me accountable. And it did just that. I was moving along fine, with some fairly serious home front challenges going on, and I was not being drug down like I would have in the past. I was standing tall, reminding myself that all I had to do was place one foot in front of the other and just keep moving forward – like on the trail near Mount Rainier.

There were some surprises along the way. I began to really be challenged by the Lord, which resulted from my devotions. I was led to really dig in to some areas God NEEDED me to address, this was reflected in my thoughts. At times I felt like I was bouncing around and losing focus, but at others, I could see that in order for balance to be achieved in spirit, soul and body this would be the process: an emphasis on one, more than another at times, until all three are dancing together in one harmonious rhythm that will ultimately be identified as my life. And once I accepted it, things blew up.

Reflecting now, it is as if something darker than I understand is quite aware that headway is being made in my life, I am drawing closer to the Lord and truly being transformed by His Spirit. I know it is uncomfortable to talk about, but there are “powers and principalities” ready to attempt to destroy anything God would allow to manifest in one’s life – especially a marriage, a family, a home and the health of one’s body if that is what it would take, to keep the glory of God from being seen. This morning, this is being made very clear to me.

I believe it is being made clear, because I am being lifted up in prayer. I have people in my life I can call and KNOW they are going to pray for me. I KNOW they will not use this as an opportunity to gossip and catch the attention of uncaring ears of others. I have a brother I know is heard when he prays and who has a network of people praying and believing as well. I have a sister who will go to bat for me and be there for me, no matter what. I have a dear friend who is willing to pray with me, for me and tell me I need to FIGHT, if I am going to overcome what is taking center stage in my life right now. I have daughters who need their mother to be there for them as I always have, rather than be consumed right now, and who also know to pray through times like this.

I may be going through a time where every fiber in me is being broken down, and it feels like I cannot take another step, but I can. I can keep moving forward because I am not alone. I am not isolated and left to make it through by myself. I have God and I have others. Each fiber that is being broken down now will be repaired and built up, making me stronger, and in that strength I will take another step and another. God will be glorified and everything that is being experienced will not be for loss, but for a purpose. I have to believe that.