I have been experiencing a holy exhaustion I’m not sure I have ever experienced before. We spent six plus hours on a bus from Sosua to Punta Cana, on Sunday. We then boarded a plane and spent another four and a half hours in the air and another three on our bus ride home from the airport, Monday. Having to go to work on Tuesday, I had to hit the ground running, rather than take a day to rest and re-coop.
Tuesday consisted of working and a soccer game for my daughter who also just returned from an amazing trip, followed by another day of work, running, and running daughters, and yet another of work, grocery shopping, dinner, book club for my youngest daughter and finally a moment to rest…
I am tired. I have been crying a lot. I am overwhelmed with the experience God shared and I was feeling rather distraught. Unable to get caught up. Seemingly unable to acclimate to my life – BEFORE. The waves and weight of these feelings almost begin to crash over me, ready to sweep me away in its undertow, when God reminds me – You have to keep your eyes and heart locked into those of Jesus’…
But God! There are men, women and children LIVING in a dump! There are children going HUNGRY! I can’t get the image of a young girl the same age as my youngest daughter, who was just presumably loaned to men for evil only knows what, out of my mind! These, and other thoughts, are my counter points. It seems He then looks on me with mercy, reminds me of how great He is, how His grace is enough and those He has for me to tend to here at home…
In my thoughts He shares, “Do you remember the mother who lost her husband with a one year old and three week old baby at home, and tried to take her life? She couldn’t keep her eyes on Me and you were nearly the casualty. Do you remember the mother who lost her husband to disease, and withdrew so much, her pain was internalized by her son? She too had a difficult time keeping her eyes on Me. Do you remember the bitterness and fear that set in, in the heart of another mother once her heart was broken – and the impact it has had on you ever since? You MUST KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME. For your sake and the sake of those I love through you – your husband, your daughters, your family of friends, and your community. The past should not be repeated.”
I cry again. I’m then reminded of a post I wrote in November 2015, shortly after the Paris attacks. I read and I cry, again. However, the waves are becoming less suffocating. The fatigue is beginning to lift. The exhaustion replaced with a godly strength. The apathy, pushed aside with a reminder of the charge to MOVE FORWARD, trusting the Lord has all the circumstances in His hand, I need only look to Him while He tends to them – whether it be through me, or others like me, those He trusts to walk out His will.
In the rejuvenation, He reminds me of His blessings I was beginning to be blinded to, by the waves… You listened and prayed for the women of the church in Sosua, just like I asked you to, and they were blessed. You did give drink to the thirsty and food to the hungry, just like I’ve asked all my people to. You did reach out at work, once you learned an opportunity may be being created for you to possibly return on a medical mission. You showed up with your Sister, for the girls I love, last night. You’re moving forward on the purpose I have placed on your heart to encourage, edify and support other women in places you’re familiar with – and MANY will be blessed.
Thank You Lord! Thank you for the restoration only You can provide. I pray You bring the same restoration for others as You have me, and we continue strengthened towards the mark You have set before us.
This morning, oooooh, this morning...
I am nearly a full seven full days away from both my Husband and my youngest daughter. And I miss them SO much.
For seven days I have watched my oldest daughter discover new areas within herself. I have witnessed her love on children she doesn't know. Smiled as she allowed them to climb all over her and braid her long beautiful hair. Beamed as she shared her talents of kicking around the soccer ball and jump rope. Stood back as she talked and giggled with the amazing young gentlemen willing to look after her. My heart gets full. Full of joy and emotion for what is in store for her. Because there is SO MUCH.
This morning we visited an area many simply cannot be prepared for. A landfill (or dump site), also a home to possibly a couple hundred Haitian folks. Men. Women. And yes, children and babies, although they were most likely protecting themselves in their homes amongst the bushes. As we ascended towards the pungent space, observing people working, one word occurred to me - marginalized.
These souls have literally been pushed to the outer periphery and left to survive on the leftovers of a world already deemed impoverished. As we handed out soup, water and sandwiches, another word came to mind - desperate.
You see, they were not concerned with a status, or graduating to or maintaining the next best socioeconomic status, making their dreams come true, or what the hot button on social media is. Or even fighting for their rights. They were not phased by whether or not they were on the right path, or eating whole foods, or working out. No. Their only concern was survival. Getting a meal. A cup of water. Recovering a treasure from among the discarded rubble of a society viewing them as worthless. One cannot be the same after an excursion like that.
We all rode back in silence. I, in front of my daughter, sensed she needed my hand. She did. I reached back to stroke her leg, she grabbed my hand, and I knew she was weeping. Like I, she was broken.
Brokenness can be good. It has the potential to lead to seeking the Lord and craving a wholeness only He can provide. And even after one feels there could not possibly be more breaking to do, God proves differently. He proves there is so much within our hearts and minds still needing His transformative touch, self made barriers or limits, that MUST COME DOWN in order for our lives to reflect MORE of Him - and less of us. He proves our cup must be cleansed from the inside, rather than spit shined from the out, in order that we offer an untainted cup of Living Water to all we interact with, wherever they may be. (Matthew 23:26, John4:14)
It couldn't have been known, we too (my daughter and I) would have discovered treasures amongst the debris. She doesn't want to leave. However, knowing she must, she's already asking if she can come back. God is planting seeds in her heart and reminding me to stay the course for not only her sake, but the sake of those He's been planning to reach through her, as well as my youngest, since their beginning. He has so much in store. So much.
Past Blog Posts